Breakfast Woes

I don't know what it is like at your house, but at our house breakfast can be an issue...what to serve, at what time, and on which day. T.J. was overhearing us discuss these issues rather animatedly one evening and began writing out his commentary on the situation:

If warm, then kefir smoothie.
If cold, then oat groats.
If up late, then no breakfast.
If up early, then raw fruit.
If feeling poor, then oatmeal.
If feeling rich, then cold cereal.
If you have company, then eggs.
If you have a problem, GO BACK TO BED.
If you help, then bacon, eggs, hash browns, pancakes, waffles, & OJ.
If gas is cheap, then eat out.
If you works, then tips go in the basket.

Thanks T.J.! I think we did get it figured out finally! :)